I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
