my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
