i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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