He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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