the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
