Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you would pick up someone in the library
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
