didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
pray to the hookup gods
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
