So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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