batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
