he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize