found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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