The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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