He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
