I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
