Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize