I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize