i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize