sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
