Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
