Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize