Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
50% drunk capacity currently
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
