she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
