Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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