i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
