How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
