"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
