the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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