He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
