remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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