You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
