i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
