apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My balls are so social today.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
