my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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