My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
