Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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