I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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