Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
