I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
