please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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