I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
