why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
