then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
