I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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