I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
