I could make wine with my vomit
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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