would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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