Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
