1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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