Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
3pm strippers are depressing
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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