I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
