saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
