I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
