On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize