when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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