Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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