my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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