You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
