I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
