Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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