Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
