why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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