You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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