Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
