i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
