If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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