Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
