how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
