Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
