dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
